Today is Saturday. we have half days on Saturdays in the office. I came home at 2. Said hi to a friend in the paying guest I live and came upstairs to my room. Its all dark. Theres no ventilation in my room. I put on the light. Freshen up. Next what? Tomorrow I will go out with friends. No plans for today. I hit the bed and thought of goin to sleep. But when you have nothing important to do or you are free to sleep, neend nahi aati.actually it’s a fact. On weekends I actually get up early in the morning, since I can sleep for a long time and on weekdays even if I get 5minutes more to sleep its heavenly. Anyway, I couldnot sleep and varied thoughts ttacked me like hell. I remembered a day of my childhood. My parents are both working. On Saturdays, I used to come home early. I don’t remember clearly, maybe my dad brought me home from school and he went sleeping. I was all alone in the room. My mom was at her workplace, my sisters, both older to me, were in their respective institutions. My dad being a professor could take breaks inbetween his lectures. I remember it was a cloudy day, and I felt a real pain in my heart. Maybe the loneliness. I knew my mom would be back within an hour and then my dad would go back to his college. Buit that one hour was so unbearable for me. Maybe I was in the 3rd standard then. Yes, I was small, but felt the pain very hard. I was almost crying. I switched on the tv, ‘hip hip hurray’ was on air. I liked that serial. My mind was diverted. Seeing them, I dreamt, one day I too will grow up and be like them. I too will have friends, boyfriend. We will talk lots of stuff. I became happy with all those hopes popping in my heart. I began dreaming. I went out to our verandah, the jhali was closed at the top, I looked out through the small gaps in the jhali into the cloudy sky with glittering eyes and a smile adorned my lips. I was all lost in thoughts. My mom arrived and kissed my cheeks. I was her darling. And I don’t remember further. It became another day.
Today, I felt the same pain. All of a sudden. But things change so much as you grow old. You are the same. Surrounding changes, situations change. But the only thing that has remained same in both the days is ‘ my hope’. I dressed up, fetched an auto and went out . with eyes glittering and lips smiling. i wonder if ‘hope’ is an excuse, I have been using since my kindergarten days, to get rid of the real situation? But its something inbuilt within me. I don’t hope cause I want to. I feel, life is ‘ok’ today, was ‘not bad’ yesterday and ‘beautiful’ tomorrow. Because its still unseen.